The Thin Line

Hello Blog World.
So here's the thing. I don't want to lose another friend. Frankly, I just can't.  Life has never been this hard for me. And there are people out there who support me and love me for who I am, and that's great. But there's a thin line between saying your there for me, and being there for me.  And when I say, being there for me, I don't just mean when it's convenient for them.  I had a friend like that once. And there's also a thin line between giving someone some tought love and saying SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DRAMA QUEEN AND GET OVER IT.  Meanwhile, they're saying how they hate everything and everyone in the state.  Hmm, who's the drama queen now?  Anyways.  Blogs are for feelings not fights.  I'm slowly, (yes very, very,very slowly) recovering from this.  But it seems like everytime I get happy again something just brings me down. Again. And nobody gets it. I don't care if you think you do.  You. Dont. Fucking. Get. It. 
Nobody knows what its like to be me because they arent me. Yes I have nice things, lots of food, a big house.  But material items are not what matter to me!!! I could live in the middle of no where in the country in a little cottage on a farm and I would be perfectly content.  Actually I'd probably be happier. 
Things have happened to me that nobody knows about.  Nobody. And no one ever will.  And yeah, it's painful to keep secrets.  But somethings you just can. not. tell. 

SO HERE'S THE THIN LINE:  It seems like everybody's just competeing for the biggest sob story!!! well I don't give a fuck about someone else's horrible sad little life!!!!! Yes, someone else has it worse than me. But someone has it worse than that person too! And someone has it worse than THAT person too!!! But does that make mine any better? NO! Just because i don't have AIDs doesnt make my situation hurt any less! Some people just don't get it. Actually i'm starting to think no one does.  I. Don't. Care. About. Someone. Else's. Sob. Story. That's not what matters! What matters is what i'm gong through, and hearing that my friend has had something similar happen will not make me feel any better! Don't get me wrong, everyday I thank God for everything I have and I say, well at least I don't have it as bad as those people.  But people need to realize that it doesn't make things any better or any worse.  People need to stop competeing for the biggest sob story.  Do you think I want this shit to happen to me?  NO.  Stop yelling at someone else for being a drama queen when your not in their situation.  Actually, don't ever yell at someone for that because you wont every be in someone else's situation.  People think your hurting for one reason, when they don't know everything.  They know next to nothing. They think i tell them everything, but how could I? No, I think it's best to say LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE.  Sorry, but you'll never have all the puzzle pieces.

  I wan't to just escape from the world and sit in a dark corner with my laptop and a never ending book for the rest of my life.  Just get away from people, from stress, from homework, from health issues, from everything.  Because I'm so, so raw. I'm the happiest person everr.  I'm not MEANT to feel like this! But it's just more and more stress. I am now taking SEVEN pills a day. My dad is scared and he's scaring me too. Apparently not letting things go and going through so much pain is what made him get his disease.  I'm starting down the same road.
Dear God, 
Please, please, please send me an angel.

<3 Ella <3