HELLO BLOGGING WORLD!!!!!!
I am just soooo happy! :) :) :) I finally found the new beginning i needed! I went to my close friend's party last saturday and i fit right in! I now have a new family(: this group of friends is exactly what i needed! And there's a boy mixed in there as well...he is nice and funny and cute and he's hanging out with me on fridayyy! So excited(: So i hope everything goes right. For the first time im super happy! I hope none of my other friends bother me about it or like get clingy now that im spending my time with them. But they make me happy and they dont really accept anyone into their group because they've all known each other sincce they were really little. But i guess they loved me! If anything ruins this i will probably murder them. ahaha but for now im just going to start my new beginning with my new family.
<3 Ella <3
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Well hi.
I think i found a way to get him to talk to me.... :) But we'll see. He probably will continue ignoring me..but i know he wont say no to someone else..... so im talking to him on behalf of the new kid. Hopefully things go smoothly. :)
I've been a lot better. I have amazing friends... and i've been somewhat majorly flirting with a guy i used to like and now like again. He was in my ap class. Unfortunately not anymore :/ oh well. At least now he knows that he misses me ;)
It's hard to be happy if you're not. But you can at least try.
<3 Ella <3
I've been a lot better. I have amazing friends... and i've been somewhat majorly flirting with a guy i used to like and now like again. He was in my ap class. Unfortunately not anymore :/ oh well. At least now he knows that he misses me ;)
It's hard to be happy if you're not. But you can at least try.
<3 Ella <3
Monday, March 21, 2011
Fresh Beginning
Bonjour mon ami!
Spring Break is over!!! :'( Today was the first day of the Tri. Over spring break, I was refreshed. I thought "screw them. screw everything. I'm done with drama." And at school today, I felt those old feelings tugging at my heart. But i was all "nope. not gonna happen." And it worked!
Until now.
Thinking about him didn't do any damage at first. But now . . . the more i think about him, the more the feelings creep back in.
WHY CAN'T I LET THIS GO? Why isn't God helping me? Doesn't he get how hurt and frustrated and angry and emotional and doubtful this makes me? It hurts. Not as bad as before though, which is a start i guess. I keep wishing that he would give me some guidance, or a sign. And then i wonder if he already did! But did he? Do you think he did? Because i don't know what it is. . . And if i don't know it's a sign, then is it really a sign?
S.O.S.
<3 Ella <3
Spring Break is over!!! :'( Today was the first day of the Tri. Over spring break, I was refreshed. I thought "screw them. screw everything. I'm done with drama." And at school today, I felt those old feelings tugging at my heart. But i was all "nope. not gonna happen." And it worked!
Until now.
Thinking about him didn't do any damage at first. But now . . . the more i think about him, the more the feelings creep back in.
WHY CAN'T I LET THIS GO? Why isn't God helping me? Doesn't he get how hurt and frustrated and angry and emotional and doubtful this makes me? It hurts. Not as bad as before though, which is a start i guess. I keep wishing that he would give me some guidance, or a sign. And then i wonder if he already did! But did he? Do you think he did? Because i don't know what it is. . . And if i don't know it's a sign, then is it really a sign?
S.O.S.
<3 Ella <3
Friday, March 18, 2011
My Happy Place
Hello!!!!
I just got back from my cabin and I'm feeling so refreshed! It's so beautiful up there...my cabin is my happy place. The only place in the world i can escape my worries and hardships and soak in beauty.
I'm too distracted to say anything more...I'll write later!
<3 Ella <3
p.s. THERE WAS AN OLD 1988 JUNK CAR IN THE FARMER'S FEILD FOR SALE AND MY STEP DAD MIGHT BUY IT FOR ME!!!!
I just got back from my cabin and I'm feeling so refreshed! It's so beautiful up there...my cabin is my happy place. The only place in the world i can escape my worries and hardships and soak in beauty.
I'm too distracted to say anything more...I'll write later!
<3 Ella <3
p.s. THERE WAS AN OLD 1988 JUNK CAR IN THE FARMER'S FEILD FOR SALE AND MY STEP DAD MIGHT BUY IT FOR ME!!!!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
My Best Friend Beefstew :)
Hello There!!!!
I'm in a FANTASTIC mood!!!!!! :D My best friend Kiara just left and I had the time of my life with her :) We always have soooo much fun and laugh sooo hard it's unbelievable. Being with her just reminds me of my true friends. And that I DO have amazing people in my life. My best friends are so amazing <3 I'm literally happier than i've been in a long time. Even thinking about drama can't get me down. And now we have spring break and I'm going up to my cabin!!! That's going to be amazing! My cabin is my happy place :) And tomorrow Abby is coming over and we're going to bake cookies! Yay! haha I'm so excited! I'm also excited for SPRING BREAK!!! Which is officially started! YESS! haha I'm in such a good mood!!! YAY!!!! This is the happiest i've been in a long time and it feels so good! Thank you Beefstew for making my day and making me realize that I have amazing friends and I don't need any guys. I have a ton of best friends and I don't need just THAT person to tell me they love me. I'm done with him.
So here's to best friends!!! They rock!!! :):):)
<3 Ella <3
I'm in a FANTASTIC mood!!!!!! :D My best friend Kiara just left and I had the time of my life with her :) We always have soooo much fun and laugh sooo hard it's unbelievable. Being with her just reminds me of my true friends. And that I DO have amazing people in my life. My best friends are so amazing <3 I'm literally happier than i've been in a long time. Even thinking about drama can't get me down. And now we have spring break and I'm going up to my cabin!!! That's going to be amazing! My cabin is my happy place :) And tomorrow Abby is coming over and we're going to bake cookies! Yay! haha I'm so excited! I'm also excited for SPRING BREAK!!! Which is officially started! YESS! haha I'm in such a good mood!!! YAY!!!! This is the happiest i've been in a long time and it feels so good! Thank you Beefstew for making my day and making me realize that I have amazing friends and I don't need any guys. I have a ton of best friends and I don't need just THAT person to tell me they love me. I'm done with him.
So here's to best friends!!! They rock!!! :):):)
<3 Ella <3
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Boys are like Vampires... They Suck the Life Out of You
Hi there.
Yes, i just finished a book about vampires. Yes, i just had a bad day because of a boy. Yes, it's just typical teenage girl life.
So today I walk into math and find out we have a new seating arrangement for the day because we will be working in small groups to complete our quiz. Guess who's in my little circle of desks? Him. Sitting right across from me. Its just me, him, ashley, max, and dutch. And it's so awkward i can't even begin to describe it. Of course, I act like nothings wrong meanwhile I'm staring at him the whole time.
And he won't even look at me.
I just want to catch his eye, to smile and say hi, but no. He won't even glance my way. He just pretended like I wasn't even there. How degrading is that? I think a lot. So basically I just endure it through out class laughing at something one of us said and doing my work and freaking out and being "funny" because i don't want Winston to call on me. And then when we start our group work, it gets harder. We're supposed to all be working together. Huh. Funny how that worked out.
Here's the good news: He actually did look at me and talk to me. A little bit. But only if I said something to him, like, "did you get number 12?" or if he asked a question i'd give him the answer. And then he'd say "thanks" without looking at me. But he never asked me a question. Only glanced at me a few times.
One of those times was when tears welled up in my eyes because i couldn't take it anymore. A silent, sad tear trekked down my cheek and max and dutch just stared. Dutch said "Are you okay?" and Nick finally looked up. Straight at me. Funny how he knew it was me that was crying. And I wiped away the tear and sniffled, "I'm fine," and glanced at him. He looked away so fast I wouldn't have known he was looking if it wasn't for my good peripheral vision. Ugh. So then Max was all like "Ellieeee, whats wrongg???" And i continued to tell them nothing. I got over it. Acted happy. And then, what do you know, I started crying again. That was after he'd walked over to Winston to ask a question. Tears sprung up again and Ashley looked like a deer in the headlights. "Ellie dont. Aw c'mon ellie don't." She did NOT want to see me cry. especially in the middle of class. Once again max inquired what was wrong. Once again i said nothing. Ashley whispered, "You gotta look tough or he'll think your a baby." and i replied, "I know," and sucked it up. I drew the tears back inside and took a deep breath. Talk about misery.
He went out to the computers and I went out there too and its funny how he can walk right next to me and behind me and in front of me and not so much as glance at me or say a word. But it was so so so obvious that he was aware of my presence. He was just ignoring me. Pretending like i wasn't there.
Nobody deserves to feel that way. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. Especially by their him.
<3 Ella <3
Yes, i just finished a book about vampires. Yes, i just had a bad day because of a boy. Yes, it's just typical teenage girl life.
So today I walk into math and find out we have a new seating arrangement for the day because we will be working in small groups to complete our quiz. Guess who's in my little circle of desks? Him. Sitting right across from me. Its just me, him, ashley, max, and dutch. And it's so awkward i can't even begin to describe it. Of course, I act like nothings wrong meanwhile I'm staring at him the whole time.
And he won't even look at me.
I just want to catch his eye, to smile and say hi, but no. He won't even glance my way. He just pretended like I wasn't even there. How degrading is that? I think a lot. So basically I just endure it through out class laughing at something one of us said and doing my work and freaking out and being "funny" because i don't want Winston to call on me. And then when we start our group work, it gets harder. We're supposed to all be working together. Huh. Funny how that worked out.
Here's the good news: He actually did look at me and talk to me. A little bit. But only if I said something to him, like, "did you get number 12?" or if he asked a question i'd give him the answer. And then he'd say "thanks" without looking at me. But he never asked me a question. Only glanced at me a few times.
One of those times was when tears welled up in my eyes because i couldn't take it anymore. A silent, sad tear trekked down my cheek and max and dutch just stared. Dutch said "Are you okay?" and Nick finally looked up. Straight at me. Funny how he knew it was me that was crying. And I wiped away the tear and sniffled, "I'm fine," and glanced at him. He looked away so fast I wouldn't have known he was looking if it wasn't for my good peripheral vision. Ugh. So then Max was all like "Ellieeee, whats wrongg???" And i continued to tell them nothing. I got over it. Acted happy. And then, what do you know, I started crying again. That was after he'd walked over to Winston to ask a question. Tears sprung up again and Ashley looked like a deer in the headlights. "Ellie dont. Aw c'mon ellie don't." She did NOT want to see me cry. especially in the middle of class. Once again max inquired what was wrong. Once again i said nothing. Ashley whispered, "You gotta look tough or he'll think your a baby." and i replied, "I know," and sucked it up. I drew the tears back inside and took a deep breath. Talk about misery.
He went out to the computers and I went out there too and its funny how he can walk right next to me and behind me and in front of me and not so much as glance at me or say a word. But it was so so so obvious that he was aware of my presence. He was just ignoring me. Pretending like i wasn't there.
Nobody deserves to feel that way. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. Especially by their him.
<3 Ella <3
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Him
There's always a him. For everyone. Every girl out there has her him.
When you find your him, you don't realize how much you need him. How much you depend on him.
Or how much you'll miss him when he's gone.
I can barely go a second without thinking about him. Without losing my breath. Without breaking down.
I can't handle it. I never thought I needed him. I never even knew how much it would hurt. But i never, ever, ever thought it would happen. I feel empty without him. He was my best friend. We never even really hung out. Is this something else? I just want to feel his arms around me again, and his shy chuckle and sweet comments.
He was the least douchy guy in school. Now he's the biggest. Someone help.
<3 Ella <3
When you find your him, you don't realize how much you need him. How much you depend on him.
Or how much you'll miss him when he's gone.
I can barely go a second without thinking about him. Without losing my breath. Without breaking down.
I can't handle it. I never thought I needed him. I never even knew how much it would hurt. But i never, ever, ever thought it would happen. I feel empty without him. He was my best friend. We never even really hung out. Is this something else? I just want to feel his arms around me again, and his shy chuckle and sweet comments.
He was the least douchy guy in school. Now he's the biggest. Someone help.
<3 Ella <3
Sunday, March 6, 2011
The Thin Line
Hello Blog World.
So here's the thing. I don't want to lose another friend. Frankly, I just can't. Life has never been this hard for me. And there are people out there who support me and love me for who I am, and that's great. But there's a thin line between saying your there for me, and being there for me. And when I say, being there for me, I don't just mean when it's convenient for them. I had a friend like that once. And there's also a thin line between giving someone some tought love and saying SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DRAMA QUEEN AND GET OVER IT. Meanwhile, they're saying how they hate everything and everyone in the state. Hmm, who's the drama queen now? Anyways. Blogs are for feelings not fights. I'm slowly, (yes very, very,very slowly) recovering from this. But it seems like everytime I get happy again something just brings me down. Again. And nobody gets it. I don't care if you think you do. You. Dont. Fucking. Get. It.
Nobody knows what its like to be me because they arent me. Yes I have nice things, lots of food, a big house. But material items are not what matter to me!!! I could live in the middle of no where in the country in a little cottage on a farm and I would be perfectly content. Actually I'd probably be happier.
Things have happened to me that nobody knows about. Nobody. And no one ever will. And yeah, it's painful to keep secrets. But somethings you just can. not. tell.
SO HERE'S THE THIN LINE: It seems like everybody's just competeing for the biggest sob story!!! well I don't give a fuck about someone else's horrible sad little life!!!!! Yes, someone else has it worse than me. But someone has it worse than that person too! And someone has it worse than THAT person too!!! But does that make mine any better? NO! Just because i don't have AIDs doesnt make my situation hurt any less! Some people just don't get it. Actually i'm starting to think no one does. I. Don't. Care. About. Someone. Else's. Sob. Story. That's not what matters! What matters is what i'm gong through, and hearing that my friend has had something similar happen will not make me feel any better! Don't get me wrong, everyday I thank God for everything I have and I say, well at least I don't have it as bad as those people. But people need to realize that it doesn't make things any better or any worse. People need to stop competeing for the biggest sob story. Do you think I want this shit to happen to me? NO. Stop yelling at someone else for being a drama queen when your not in their situation. Actually, don't ever yell at someone for that because you wont every be in someone else's situation. People think your hurting for one reason, when they don't know everything. They know next to nothing. They think i tell them everything, but how could I? No, I think it's best to say LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE. Sorry, but you'll never have all the puzzle pieces.
I wan't to just escape from the world and sit in a dark corner with my laptop and a never ending book for the rest of my life. Just get away from people, from stress, from homework, from health issues, from everything. Because I'm so, so raw. I'm the happiest person everr. I'm not MEANT to feel like this! But it's just more and more stress. I am now taking SEVEN pills a day. My dad is scared and he's scaring me too. Apparently not letting things go and going through so much pain is what made him get his disease. I'm starting down the same road.
Dear God,
Please, please, please send me an angel.
<3 Ella <3
So here's the thing. I don't want to lose another friend. Frankly, I just can't. Life has never been this hard for me. And there are people out there who support me and love me for who I am, and that's great. But there's a thin line between saying your there for me, and being there for me. And when I say, being there for me, I don't just mean when it's convenient for them. I had a friend like that once. And there's also a thin line between giving someone some tought love and saying SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DRAMA QUEEN AND GET OVER IT. Meanwhile, they're saying how they hate everything and everyone in the state. Hmm, who's the drama queen now? Anyways. Blogs are for feelings not fights. I'm slowly, (yes very, very,very slowly) recovering from this. But it seems like everytime I get happy again something just brings me down. Again. And nobody gets it. I don't care if you think you do. You. Dont. Fucking. Get. It.
Nobody knows what its like to be me because they arent me. Yes I have nice things, lots of food, a big house. But material items are not what matter to me!!! I could live in the middle of no where in the country in a little cottage on a farm and I would be perfectly content. Actually I'd probably be happier.
Things have happened to me that nobody knows about. Nobody. And no one ever will. And yeah, it's painful to keep secrets. But somethings you just can. not. tell.
SO HERE'S THE THIN LINE: It seems like everybody's just competeing for the biggest sob story!!! well I don't give a fuck about someone else's horrible sad little life!!!!! Yes, someone else has it worse than me. But someone has it worse than that person too! And someone has it worse than THAT person too!!! But does that make mine any better? NO! Just because i don't have AIDs doesnt make my situation hurt any less! Some people just don't get it. Actually i'm starting to think no one does. I. Don't. Care. About. Someone. Else's. Sob. Story. That's not what matters! What matters is what i'm gong through, and hearing that my friend has had something similar happen will not make me feel any better! Don't get me wrong, everyday I thank God for everything I have and I say, well at least I don't have it as bad as those people. But people need to realize that it doesn't make things any better or any worse. People need to stop competeing for the biggest sob story. Do you think I want this shit to happen to me? NO. Stop yelling at someone else for being a drama queen when your not in their situation. Actually, don't ever yell at someone for that because you wont every be in someone else's situation. People think your hurting for one reason, when they don't know everything. They know next to nothing. They think i tell them everything, but how could I? No, I think it's best to say LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE. Sorry, but you'll never have all the puzzle pieces.
I wan't to just escape from the world and sit in a dark corner with my laptop and a never ending book for the rest of my life. Just get away from people, from stress, from homework, from health issues, from everything. Because I'm so, so raw. I'm the happiest person everr. I'm not MEANT to feel like this! But it's just more and more stress. I am now taking SEVEN pills a day. My dad is scared and he's scaring me too. Apparently not letting things go and going through so much pain is what made him get his disease. I'm starting down the same road.
Dear God,
Please, please, please send me an angel.
<3 Ella <3
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Dude...I'm a bad ass.
Okay. Here's the scoop.
I hate hate hate when people tell me what to do. I hate when they take my stuff, or go through it without asking. I hate when they help themselves to my shit and i hate when they assume they have the right to know everything about me. Or when they think they do know everything about me. That's just me. I'm very outgoing but I'm actually an introvert at heart. Truth is, no one will ever ever ever be as close to me as my best friend, (who shall not be named), was. Never. Not unless they are my hubbie(; And some people need to accept that they can't decide if they're my best friend. I'm sick of drama and i'm sick of people overreacting about the smallest things. I'm not entitled to share anything with anyone. I can choose who i tell personal things to and people cant get mad at me for that. Unless they're ass holes.
Anyways...just had to get that out. Last night i slept over at Ashley's house. It was pretty fun(: good times at Super Target with her and Sky. Haha I found out what blue waffles means....do NOT look it up on google images. Whatever you do...just don't. And yes, i slept over on a school night. I'm so bad ass(; haha so im wearing her clothes and shoes to school haha pretty fun(: im really cozy but i look like crap... oh well its not like im trying to impress anyone...
BUT I NEED TO STUDY FOR AP!!!! So i should probs go do that...... BYEEE(:
<3 Ella<3
I hate hate hate when people tell me what to do. I hate when they take my stuff, or go through it without asking. I hate when they help themselves to my shit and i hate when they assume they have the right to know everything about me. Or when they think they do know everything about me. That's just me. I'm very outgoing but I'm actually an introvert at heart. Truth is, no one will ever ever ever be as close to me as my best friend, (who shall not be named), was. Never. Not unless they are my hubbie(; And some people need to accept that they can't decide if they're my best friend. I'm sick of drama and i'm sick of people overreacting about the smallest things. I'm not entitled to share anything with anyone. I can choose who i tell personal things to and people cant get mad at me for that. Unless they're ass holes.
Anyways...just had to get that out. Last night i slept over at Ashley's house. It was pretty fun(: good times at Super Target with her and Sky. Haha I found out what blue waffles means....do NOT look it up on google images. Whatever you do...just don't. And yes, i slept over on a school night. I'm so bad ass(; haha so im wearing her clothes and shoes to school haha pretty fun(: im really cozy but i look like crap... oh well its not like im trying to impress anyone...
BUT I NEED TO STUDY FOR AP!!!! So i should probs go do that...... BYEEE(:
<3 Ella<3
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