Hello Blog World.
So here's the thing. I don't want to lose another friend. Frankly, I just can't. Life has never been this hard for me. And there are people out there who support me and love me for who I am, and that's great. But there's a thin line between saying your there for me, and being there for me. And when I say, being there for me, I don't just mean when it's convenient for them. I had a friend like that once. And there's also a thin line between giving someone some tought love and saying SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DRAMA QUEEN AND GET OVER IT. Meanwhile, they're saying how they hate everything and everyone in the state. Hmm, who's the drama queen now? Anyways. Blogs are for feelings not fights. I'm slowly, (yes very, very,very slowly) recovering from this. But it seems like everytime I get happy again something just brings me down. Again. And nobody gets it. I don't care if you think you do. You. Dont. Fucking. Get. It.
Nobody knows what its like to be me because they arent me. Yes I have nice things, lots of food, a big house. But material items are not what matter to me!!! I could live in the middle of no where in the country in a little cottage on a farm and I would be perfectly content. Actually I'd probably be happier.
Things have happened to me that nobody knows about. Nobody. And no one ever will. And yeah, it's painful to keep secrets. But somethings you just can. not. tell.
SO HERE'S THE THIN LINE: It seems like everybody's just competeing for the biggest sob story!!! well I don't give a fuck about someone else's horrible sad little life!!!!! Yes, someone else has it worse than me. But someone has it worse than that person too! And someone has it worse than THAT person too!!! But does that make mine any better? NO! Just because i don't have AIDs doesnt make my situation hurt any less! Some people just don't get it. Actually i'm starting to think no one does. I. Don't. Care. About. Someone. Else's. Sob. Story. That's not what matters! What matters is what i'm gong through, and hearing that my friend has had something similar happen will not make me feel any better! Don't get me wrong, everyday I thank God for everything I have and I say, well at least I don't have it as bad as those people. But people need to realize that it doesn't make things any better or any worse. People need to stop competeing for the biggest sob story. Do you think I want this shit to happen to me? NO. Stop yelling at someone else for being a drama queen when your not in their situation. Actually, don't ever yell at someone for that because you wont every be in someone else's situation. People think your hurting for one reason, when they don't know everything. They know next to nothing. They think i tell them everything, but how could I? No, I think it's best to say LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE. Sorry, but you'll never have all the puzzle pieces.
I wan't to just escape from the world and sit in a dark corner with my laptop and a never ending book for the rest of my life. Just get away from people, from stress, from homework, from health issues, from everything. Because I'm so, so raw. I'm the happiest person everr. I'm not MEANT to feel like this! But it's just more and more stress. I am now taking SEVEN pills a day. My dad is scared and he's scaring me too. Apparently not letting things go and going through so much pain is what made him get his disease. I'm starting down the same road.
Dear God,
Please, please, please send me an angel.
<3 Ella <3
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Dude...I'm a bad ass.
Okay. Here's the scoop.
I hate hate hate when people tell me what to do. I hate when they take my stuff, or go through it without asking. I hate when they help themselves to my shit and i hate when they assume they have the right to know everything about me. Or when they think they do know everything about me. That's just me. I'm very outgoing but I'm actually an introvert at heart. Truth is, no one will ever ever ever be as close to me as my best friend, (who shall not be named), was. Never. Not unless they are my hubbie(; And some people need to accept that they can't decide if they're my best friend. I'm sick of drama and i'm sick of people overreacting about the smallest things. I'm not entitled to share anything with anyone. I can choose who i tell personal things to and people cant get mad at me for that. Unless they're ass holes.
Anyways...just had to get that out. Last night i slept over at Ashley's house. It was pretty fun(: good times at Super Target with her and Sky. Haha I found out what blue waffles means....do NOT look it up on google images. Whatever you do...just don't. And yes, i slept over on a school night. I'm so bad ass(; haha so im wearing her clothes and shoes to school haha pretty fun(: im really cozy but i look like crap... oh well its not like im trying to impress anyone...
BUT I NEED TO STUDY FOR AP!!!! So i should probs go do that...... BYEEE(:
<3 Ella<3
I hate hate hate when people tell me what to do. I hate when they take my stuff, or go through it without asking. I hate when they help themselves to my shit and i hate when they assume they have the right to know everything about me. Or when they think they do know everything about me. That's just me. I'm very outgoing but I'm actually an introvert at heart. Truth is, no one will ever ever ever be as close to me as my best friend, (who shall not be named), was. Never. Not unless they are my hubbie(; And some people need to accept that they can't decide if they're my best friend. I'm sick of drama and i'm sick of people overreacting about the smallest things. I'm not entitled to share anything with anyone. I can choose who i tell personal things to and people cant get mad at me for that. Unless they're ass holes.
Anyways...just had to get that out. Last night i slept over at Ashley's house. It was pretty fun(: good times at Super Target with her and Sky. Haha I found out what blue waffles means....do NOT look it up on google images. Whatever you do...just don't. And yes, i slept over on a school night. I'm so bad ass(; haha so im wearing her clothes and shoes to school haha pretty fun(: im really cozy but i look like crap... oh well its not like im trying to impress anyone...
BUT I NEED TO STUDY FOR AP!!!! So i should probs go do that...... BYEEE(:
<3 Ella<3
Friday, February 25, 2011
Dude... I have no idea
Hello Beautful(:
You know, i think everyone needs someone to tell them they are beautiful every single day. And you know what else everyone needs to hear every single day? I love you. Its plain and simple: people need to hear that. I havent written in awhile...things have been a little crazy. I'm not sure how im feeling. My emotions are a jumbled up puzzle, too tangled up for me to put the pieces together. I just want things to go back to the way they were. That's all i've been focusing on. But i'm starting to realize that i have to start new, because I can't go back. What's done is done, and i need to put a new foot forward. I'm still standing on the edge of a cliff, but i'm not teetering anymore. I feel like i just need new things. New distractions, new friends. I'm sick of the same old thing. I've been going in a cycle: the same thoughts, the same tears, the same fights, the same feelings, and the same old schedule and habits. I need to break out of it and i'm trying to reach out to people i think i can be close with. People who don't say "cool" when i tell them a secret and people who actually care. I wear my heart on my sleeve. That's just how I am, and my counselor (yeah yeah i know, i'm a freak cuz i need to see a frickin shrink. but shes actually really cool), she said that people like that get trampled on. AAnd they do. Again and again. And again. But i can't change who I am. I don't want too. So I'm trying to trust people but it's hard after someone betrays you. So here's to new friends and renewed trust.
<3 Ella<3
You know, i think everyone needs someone to tell them they are beautiful every single day. And you know what else everyone needs to hear every single day? I love you. Its plain and simple: people need to hear that. I havent written in awhile...things have been a little crazy. I'm not sure how im feeling. My emotions are a jumbled up puzzle, too tangled up for me to put the pieces together. I just want things to go back to the way they were. That's all i've been focusing on. But i'm starting to realize that i have to start new, because I can't go back. What's done is done, and i need to put a new foot forward. I'm still standing on the edge of a cliff, but i'm not teetering anymore. I feel like i just need new things. New distractions, new friends. I'm sick of the same old thing. I've been going in a cycle: the same thoughts, the same tears, the same fights, the same feelings, and the same old schedule and habits. I need to break out of it and i'm trying to reach out to people i think i can be close with. People who don't say "cool" when i tell them a secret and people who actually care. I wear my heart on my sleeve. That's just how I am, and my counselor (yeah yeah i know, i'm a freak cuz i need to see a frickin shrink. but shes actually really cool), she said that people like that get trampled on. AAnd they do. Again and again. And again. But i can't change who I am. I don't want too. So I'm trying to trust people but it's hard after someone betrays you. So here's to new friends and renewed trust.
<3 Ella<3
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Randomness!!!!
Hello Bloggers :)
The forecast for today is lazy and boring with a slight chance of something interesting! I just got back from church- the sermon was good and i liked the songs- and now im bored. I want to work out but im lazy and tired. So i'll probably just sit around texting and watching tv on my laptop. (yes people, its called xfinity).
I got my formal dress this weekend! Its really pretty and dark purple and black. It's from American Eagle and its not very fancy but thats why i got it, so i can wear it again. And my moms going to buy me jewelry and a sweater and stuff to wear with it! It's a little big on me though so i have to get it tailored. Blech. My sister is coming up for the weekend!!!!!! Actually i have like four sisters but only two of them are like actually my sisters. I mean, they would be who i would live with if my parents died, and they would be my emergency contacts if they lived closer. So anyways, my best friend in the world, Beatrice, is coming over on Friday and bringing her Doctor Who seasons!!! WHOOP WHOOP!!!!! I have to cheer a game that night though-ick bummer- so shes going to come watch. Then she's sleeping over and in the morning my daddy is coming to pick us up and bring us to Mall of America! And then we're going back to her house to do our usual Saturday ritual. yay! :) oh did i mention this is all for my birthday? haha yes its my birthday on the 17th! Four days and ill be fifteen baby!!!!!!!!! tehe and tomorrows Valentines Day.... hmm, i dont really know where i stand with that. Well I'll write more later! Have a mushy V-Day ;)
<3 Ella <3
The forecast for today is lazy and boring with a slight chance of something interesting! I just got back from church- the sermon was good and i liked the songs- and now im bored. I want to work out but im lazy and tired. So i'll probably just sit around texting and watching tv on my laptop. (yes people, its called xfinity).
I got my formal dress this weekend! Its really pretty and dark purple and black. It's from American Eagle and its not very fancy but thats why i got it, so i can wear it again. And my moms going to buy me jewelry and a sweater and stuff to wear with it! It's a little big on me though so i have to get it tailored. Blech. My sister is coming up for the weekend!!!!!! Actually i have like four sisters but only two of them are like actually my sisters. I mean, they would be who i would live with if my parents died, and they would be my emergency contacts if they lived closer. So anyways, my best friend in the world, Beatrice, is coming over on Friday and bringing her Doctor Who seasons!!! WHOOP WHOOP!!!!! I have to cheer a game that night though-ick bummer- so shes going to come watch. Then she's sleeping over and in the morning my daddy is coming to pick us up and bring us to Mall of America! And then we're going back to her house to do our usual Saturday ritual. yay! :) oh did i mention this is all for my birthday? haha yes its my birthday on the 17th! Four days and ill be fifteen baby!!!!!!!!! tehe and tomorrows Valentines Day.... hmm, i dont really know where i stand with that. Well I'll write more later! Have a mushy V-Day ;)
<3 Ella <3
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Superbowl!!!!!
It's football time baby!!!!!
Haha although I'm sad that the Vikings didn't make it to the superbowl, and the Steelers do have a cool name and my high school's colors...I'm going to have to be a Packers fan at the moment. Their colors are just a tad disgusting but they are doing really well! And there's that feeling in the pit of my stomach that says I should be a packers fan. It's super fun watching the game actually! I'm sitting in my basement with my family, my nana and paka, and my aunt and her two adorable kids watching the game (but mostly the commercials ;)) and working on a story! They get pretty into it so that makes it fun and cute :) plus the commercials are freaking hilarious!!!! :D hahaha love them <3 And i'm pretty excited for the black eyed peas who are preforming at half time. (Not a huge fan but..you know.) Its the second quarter, there are eleven minutes left, and the Packers have 14 points! Poor steelers.. they have zero :/ lol but anyways.. Go Packers!!!!!
So onto my week...
This weekend i was with my dad and I guess i have some health issues... so i have to take these pills with every meal every day, do excersises with my eyes every single day (or i might need glasses), and stay away from all sugar and most dairy!!!! ugh. Talk about fun. I don't feel like my health is in question but... i do have to think about the fact that my dad had to have a major surgery because of his colitis and get his colon removed, so im definitly subjected to that. Ugh i hope im not like addicted to my bad eating habits :/ Help me!
But anyways, onto better topics.... I'm going dress shopping this friday with my almost sister Addie!!!! :) It should be really fun, I can't wait to go shopping with her. We're going to the Mall of America. Also, I think I'm going shopping again with my other friend on Saturday. Whew big weekend! haha and the movie Just Go With It is coming out friday... I really want to see that!!! Also, my birthday is in eleven days!!! AHHHHH I'M GONNA BE FIFTEEN!!!! Jeesh...
I don't even know what i want for presents... money and gift cards? (borders, victoria secrest and charming charlies... idk?) something tells me its not really going to feel like my birthday. I mean, itll be fun i guess! I think we're just gonna go out to eat and then that weekend my best friend (the girl i grew up with) is sleeping over and then we're going to MOA with my daddy and then we're going back to her house for our usual Saturday ritual. Its kinda funny... her and i are in sync. She's so familiar to me our bodies like recognize each other ( and i do NOT mean in THAT way). I can tell where she is without looking at her and it's like if she takes a step, I take a step, and if i take a step, she takes a step. Weird, huh. We even get our ---> . <---- at the same time!!! xD bahahaha but anyways.... Valentines Day is also coming up! Prince Charming, now would be your cue to swoop in on a white horse and sweep me off my feet!! But warning: if you are just a pervert in tin foil, i will KICK. YOUR. ASS.
So... Cheer party at my house for all us loners? ;) holy crap i have a lot to do.... :O
So i'll write later!!!! Love y'all :)
<3 Ella <3
Haha although I'm sad that the Vikings didn't make it to the superbowl, and the Steelers do have a cool name and my high school's colors...I'm going to have to be a Packers fan at the moment. Their colors are just a tad disgusting but they are doing really well! And there's that feeling in the pit of my stomach that says I should be a packers fan. It's super fun watching the game actually! I'm sitting in my basement with my family, my nana and paka, and my aunt and her two adorable kids watching the game (but mostly the commercials ;)) and working on a story! They get pretty into it so that makes it fun and cute :) plus the commercials are freaking hilarious!!!! :D hahaha love them <3 And i'm pretty excited for the black eyed peas who are preforming at half time. (Not a huge fan but..you know.) Its the second quarter, there are eleven minutes left, and the Packers have 14 points! Poor steelers.. they have zero :/ lol but anyways.. Go Packers!!!!!
So onto my week...
This weekend i was with my dad and I guess i have some health issues... so i have to take these pills with every meal every day, do excersises with my eyes every single day (or i might need glasses), and stay away from all sugar and most dairy!!!! ugh. Talk about fun. I don't feel like my health is in question but... i do have to think about the fact that my dad had to have a major surgery because of his colitis and get his colon removed, so im definitly subjected to that. Ugh i hope im not like addicted to my bad eating habits :/ Help me!
But anyways, onto better topics.... I'm going dress shopping this friday with my almost sister Addie!!!! :) It should be really fun, I can't wait to go shopping with her. We're going to the Mall of America. Also, I think I'm going shopping again with my other friend on Saturday. Whew big weekend! haha and the movie Just Go With It is coming out friday... I really want to see that!!! Also, my birthday is in eleven days!!! AHHHHH I'M GONNA BE FIFTEEN!!!! Jeesh...
I don't even know what i want for presents... money and gift cards? (borders, victoria secrest and charming charlies... idk?) something tells me its not really going to feel like my birthday. I mean, itll be fun i guess! I think we're just gonna go out to eat and then that weekend my best friend (the girl i grew up with) is sleeping over and then we're going to MOA with my daddy and then we're going back to her house for our usual Saturday ritual. Its kinda funny... her and i are in sync. She's so familiar to me our bodies like recognize each other ( and i do NOT mean in THAT way). I can tell where she is without looking at her and it's like if she takes a step, I take a step, and if i take a step, she takes a step. Weird, huh. We even get our ---> . <---- at the same time!!! xD bahahaha but anyways.... Valentines Day is also coming up! Prince Charming, now would be your cue to swoop in on a white horse and sweep me off my feet!! But warning: if you are just a pervert in tin foil, i will KICK. YOUR. ASS.
So... Cheer party at my house for all us loners? ;) holy crap i have a lot to do.... :O
So i'll write later!!!! Love y'all :)
<3 Ella <3
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Random thoughs...
Okk this is gonna be a quicky...
Four minutes left in class and my brain is all jumbled up and I'm not really sure how I'm feeling right now. I'm pissed at a lot of people but dont have the energy to show it. I think i'm PMSing and my legs feel numb and heavy, which usually happens when I'm on my ---> . <----- hahah i think you know what i mean ;) so anyways Im pretty sure mother natures coming. Plus last tuesday i felt really sick and im pretty sure it was cramps :/ Cheering was NOT fun. It seems like everyday more problems come up but I'll just try to brush them off.
Holy crap i need a frickin boyfriend :P I'm totally happy being single but formal is coming up... and now i'm just bored. lol well the bells about to ring, see ya!
<3 Ella <3
Four minutes left in class and my brain is all jumbled up and I'm not really sure how I'm feeling right now. I'm pissed at a lot of people but dont have the energy to show it. I think i'm PMSing and my legs feel numb and heavy, which usually happens when I'm on my ---> . <----- hahah i think you know what i mean ;) so anyways Im pretty sure mother natures coming. Plus last tuesday i felt really sick and im pretty sure it was cramps :/ Cheering was NOT fun. It seems like everyday more problems come up but I'll just try to brush them off.
Holy crap i need a frickin boyfriend :P I'm totally happy being single but formal is coming up... and now i'm just bored. lol well the bells about to ring, see ya!
<3 Ella <3
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Stress, stress, and... oh yeah, stress.
Hellooo Blogging World!!!!
WORD OF THE DAY: STRESS. Boy stress, friend stress, school stress, cheer stress, memory stress, self concsious stress, schedule stress, family stress, time stress, SO MUCH STRESS!!!! Holy crap i don't know if high school is what brought all this on me, but I'm pretty sure a quarter of my stress started before high school. Grr i need some aromatherapy A.S.A.P! Jeesh I never knew how stressed someone's life could get! I'm stressed about boys...(like I mentioned in my other blogs)... fighting with family, balancing my friendships(everyone wants to hang out but i just dont have enough time! I don't want to lose any friends though.. :/), the pain of memories is pretty stressful. I wish I could let go of the past but I just... can't. :P And then there's the stress of school and my parents CONSTANTLY nagging me about homework. I swear they cant even look at me without asking about it... and taking an AP (college course) does not help. You know what else doesn't help? Friend drama. When friends get upset or mad or whatever even if its not about me! It's stressful. And then there's the sheer exhaustion of being in cheer and not only being in cheer but being the captain of the cheer squad! It's sooo soooo sooooo frusterating and once again stressful when you're trying to practice and the girls turn around and talk and get out of line in between EVERY. SINGLE. CHEER. Have you ever tried to get the attention of a bunch of hyper, talkative girls who dont' want to listen to you? Yeah I pretty much just want to scream and yell and slap them all silly. This is why we don't get any progress done!!! They can't concentrate! Either that or they choose not too. They think they know the cheers but then once we get out there...its a lot scarier than you think. I don't want to look like an idiot because the girls around me don't know what they're doing. And then comes the fact that the girls that were on my squad last year think they don't have to listen to me. Every time I start giving instructions, they look away and pretend like i'm only talking to the new girls like they already know what i'm about to say or they dont need to hear it because they know everything already. I mean, I get they don't want to be bossed around be someone their age/younger than them, but C'MON!!!! I'm their friend and it's really immature of them to be like that. It's like they pretend im not even captain. I'm only trying to help them! They hate when I give them tips when they should be grateful! I give them tips so that they can show the new girls and be the best they can be. Once again... it just add's a lot more stress. Plus, I have to cheer some Varsity games as well which is SO tiring I'm basically dead on my feet. That's really stressful too because usually my coach tells me last minute and then I have to organize all the details of rides and stuff and then learn all the stunting and the cheers (because theirs are a little different then ares and sometimes i have to learn a different ripple) in FIVE FLIPPIN MINUTES!!!! Holy crap one day I'm going to die of a heart attack. I just wish people would realize how stressed out i am...a few days ago my friend tried to give me a back massage and she could barely do it. She was all, "HOLY F YOUR BACK IS SO TIGHT!" Yes, i know I'm tense. I've got a lot of knots too :/. Maybe its becasue of all the STRESS I'm under and no one bothers to give me a break or even a massage! ;) haha but seriously. I probably sound like i'm a snob and complaining for no reason but... don't judge till you've been there. There are other things adding to my stress as well... but this would be a book if I talked about those. So I guess my point is... I'm really stressed out and stress is bad for your health.. (trust me my dad's in the medical feild).. and i wish my friends would notice and try to help stuff not stress me out. Because even though I'm strong, everyone's got a limit on how much they can handle and I'm afraid soon I'm going to break.
So on that happy note! Class is almost over and I better go... Addie and I are going to have lunch with Mrs. Smith (aka our awesome counselor) and hopefully she doesnt forget us again. I'll write later!
<3 Ella <3
WORD OF THE DAY: STRESS. Boy stress, friend stress, school stress, cheer stress, memory stress, self concsious stress, schedule stress, family stress, time stress, SO MUCH STRESS!!!! Holy crap i don't know if high school is what brought all this on me, but I'm pretty sure a quarter of my stress started before high school. Grr i need some aromatherapy A.S.A.P! Jeesh I never knew how stressed someone's life could get! I'm stressed about boys...(like I mentioned in my other blogs)... fighting with family, balancing my friendships(everyone wants to hang out but i just dont have enough time! I don't want to lose any friends though.. :/), the pain of memories is pretty stressful. I wish I could let go of the past but I just... can't. :P And then there's the stress of school and my parents CONSTANTLY nagging me about homework. I swear they cant even look at me without asking about it... and taking an AP (college course) does not help. You know what else doesn't help? Friend drama. When friends get upset or mad or whatever even if its not about me! It's stressful. And then there's the sheer exhaustion of being in cheer and not only being in cheer but being the captain of the cheer squad! It's sooo soooo sooooo frusterating and once again stressful when you're trying to practice and the girls turn around and talk and get out of line in between EVERY. SINGLE. CHEER. Have you ever tried to get the attention of a bunch of hyper, talkative girls who dont' want to listen to you? Yeah I pretty much just want to scream and yell and slap them all silly. This is why we don't get any progress done!!! They can't concentrate! Either that or they choose not too. They think they know the cheers but then once we get out there...its a lot scarier than you think. I don't want to look like an idiot because the girls around me don't know what they're doing. And then comes the fact that the girls that were on my squad last year think they don't have to listen to me. Every time I start giving instructions, they look away and pretend like i'm only talking to the new girls like they already know what i'm about to say or they dont need to hear it because they know everything already. I mean, I get they don't want to be bossed around be someone their age/younger than them, but C'MON!!!! I'm their friend and it's really immature of them to be like that. It's like they pretend im not even captain. I'm only trying to help them! They hate when I give them tips when they should be grateful! I give them tips so that they can show the new girls and be the best they can be. Once again... it just add's a lot more stress. Plus, I have to cheer some Varsity games as well which is SO tiring I'm basically dead on my feet. That's really stressful too because usually my coach tells me last minute and then I have to organize all the details of rides and stuff and then learn all the stunting and the cheers (because theirs are a little different then ares and sometimes i have to learn a different ripple) in FIVE FLIPPIN MINUTES!!!! Holy crap one day I'm going to die of a heart attack. I just wish people would realize how stressed out i am...a few days ago my friend tried to give me a back massage and she could barely do it. She was all, "HOLY F YOUR BACK IS SO TIGHT!" Yes, i know I'm tense. I've got a lot of knots too :/. Maybe its becasue of all the STRESS I'm under and no one bothers to give me a break or even a massage! ;) haha but seriously. I probably sound like i'm a snob and complaining for no reason but... don't judge till you've been there. There are other things adding to my stress as well... but this would be a book if I talked about those. So I guess my point is... I'm really stressed out and stress is bad for your health.. (trust me my dad's in the medical feild).. and i wish my friends would notice and try to help stuff not stress me out. Because even though I'm strong, everyone's got a limit on how much they can handle and I'm afraid soon I'm going to break.
So on that happy note! Class is almost over and I better go... Addie and I are going to have lunch with Mrs. Smith (aka our awesome counselor) and hopefully she doesnt forget us again. I'll write later!
<3 Ella <3
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